Cynthia Luvs, 8th April
I'm astonishingly awkward, easily affected and extremely negative.

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Today's topic: Being Strong, in terms of mentally not physically.

Am actually quite shocked that I actually survived till now, no joke. Been through many ups and downs until I'm really afraid to be happy because I know when I'm happy, something bad will actually happen. Went through many hardship before becoming me, it's really not easy in being 'me'.

Having to see
How a complete and happy family breaking up into pieces
How it feels to be looked down upon by own family members and relatives
How my dad got my mom into deep shits
How my mom blames me for that
How to endure bullshits while I need to help out on lessening mom's burden
How to think of so much ideas to raise money on my own
How to stand classmates and friends calling me names
How to stand those good friends turning over and backstab you when there were once your world
How people just simply judge you from what they see
How they criticize you on looks, weights or education
How someone so dear to me, left.


No one can ever understand what kind of life I was going through these 17 years. No one really actually bothers on how I feel or even try to put them in my shoes for a day.

I make jokes about everything because if I'm laughing, no one will know I'm dying inside. I'm always facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile.. I really don't know if I'm getting better or just getting use to the pain. Life doesn't hurt until you think about how much things have changed, who you've lost along the way, and how much of it was your fault. Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am...isn't me.

It sucks to be alone. I know how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you, waiting for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart. Most of the time I feel so awkward, you know, like I don't belong in my own skin, I get frustrated at everything, I could just scream and there's no reason for it, I just hate myself.

People always say, things will get better. Well, I'm still waiting for that to happen.. I believe one day, no one and nothing can hurt me anymore, that's when I stop breathing and my heart stop beating. I did think of suicide twice because I'm really very sick and tired of everything.


I thought again, what if I'm really gone? Who can help my mom to clear her debts, is she gonna slog and die of fatigue? What if she needs someone to talk to? Who can help her out with housework? Isn't she 2 times more sick and tired than me? Having to see so much heartbreaking stuffs yet she have to stay strong and bring us up.

Then I realized that I do not even have the rights to die until I returned her everything she gave me. Her efforts to work and earn money, to raise me up, to give me proper education. Also, no one would actually be sad when I died except for my mom. All those people who hate/dislike me would be happy. And I know that being strong is the only option I have.

Well, I improved on myself. Mom doesn't hate or blames me now and I'm living well now. So if you ever got into a bad situation, remember there's people in the world whom are in a much worse situations yet they are finding their way to survive so be strong ! :)

Labels: Thoughts