Cynthia Luvs, 8th April
I'm astonishingly awkward, easily affected and extremely negative.

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Labels: Thoughts

Just got back from flea at *SCAPE, been a pretty long time since I last went for *Scape flea! Bad experience today because I was alone the whole day! Couldn't buy food/drinks because no one is there to tend the booth! Luckily uncle Freddie got me a big bag of You tiao and friends (Those fried stuffs) before I went *Scape!

Tahan-ed for more than 8hours and I'm finally back home, to eat and drink! Was so hungry and thirsty! :( Happy because it's over! ^-^

Am so excited for month end and start of next month! Have so many activities planned and heehoo! I can't wait!! :D Straightened out my thoughts, set my goals, happy enough! :D

Labels: Thoughts

Was pretty angry and disappointed hence the earlier post but after I spoke to a old friend, it's also because the way I think about the situation. Glad that everything is alright now! After all, they are the people who knows my bad habits and behavior yet accepting and putting up with them.

Maybe because sometimes we are meant to be there for ourself and settle our own stuffs instead of expecting people to be there all the while especially when they have their own life and friends.

At least everything is over now and all I want is to concentrate on FH and ignore everything else. Pray for good crowd and good sales tomorrow!

Labels: Thoughts

Labels: Thoughts

Don't give me the 'You don't say' face for my title! This post is somehow related! *Excuses because I can't think of any good titles! LOL!!*

Just a reflection post since my sleeping hours are pretty screwed up and there's no one who can talk to me now. Well, I'm sick of being sad and all so for now, I try my best to keep myself positive! HUAT AH, lolol!

True that I do HAD many friends and after so much failed friendships, I'm just afraid of making friends or letting anyone into my life because I can't take it when people create memories with me, be it good or bad then leave like I don't have feelings. Sometimes, I miss the memories, not the person.

That's why I really cherish the people I have now, be it the mom who sacrificed so much for the family or the bestfriends I have for years or those close friends that I know for few months. They are people whom really matters to me  and those I'm left with. Not a big number but I know they are people who will try their best to be there and that's enough for me, really.

I know I'm someone with a really weird temperament which I can hardly control at times. I always feel I'm alone and neglected even though there are people who puts effort to care. I'm stubborn. I can be very high and crazy with friends around yet quiet with strangers around. I hate to wait yet I'm always waiting. Even if I have nothing to do on the computer, I just don't want to switch it off. I can't take bullshits because I will go mad! I get moodless easily and I just don't wanna talk yet I want somebody to be with me.

I'm just someone very sentimental - 重感情.


I don't care as much as I used to because sometimes it hurts so bad to have people in your priority list to disappoints you times and again thus, I rather care less and expect less so that it hurts lesser.

I slowly got used to doing things alone even though I hate to be alone.Walk alone, sleep alone, think alone, indulge alone, busy alone, troubled alone and experience alone. Because I know no one will be there forever, someday, somewhat, they will leave. It's just the matter of time.

As for now, I just treasure all the time spent with my loved ones and the rest, they don't matter and never will. Once you are out of my life, whatever you do or say doesn't bother or matter to me anymore.

Guess I'm much happier now because no one can do anything if I don't pick myself up and not all really cares about me being sad. 开心是一天， 伤心是一天， 我宁愿开开心心的过！

Though there's so much financial stress on me but I'm glad that I'm taking it better than before. 路是自己走出来的。Jiayou Cynthia Luvs, HUAT AH! ^-^ (This is my 88th post!)

Labels: Thoughts

Times like this makes me feel like blog is my bestfriend, a place for me to type down how I really feel now. I don't really care about how people is going to judge me based on my blog because I'm not born to please anyone and I'm so sick of trying to please people.

Just another "down" day, "down" moment. I hate the night, those memories came gushing up like free flow which came to be abit too much for me to handle. I think about the past and I fall apart inside. How do you expect me to talk to anyone else because it's just the same old thing. I really miss certain people whom used to be a important part of my life but what's the point of me telling when those people ain't gonna be back anymore and even if so, the distance and all won't be the same anymore.

But somehow, I still want them to be back into my life though it's like I can shove bread down someone's throat but its still up to them to decide if they want to swallow or not. Sometimes, it's not the person that I miss, it's the feelings and moments I had with them. Sigh, memories.

Reason why I hate to make friends is because in the end, everyone leaves and what's really left are the memories. People whom I really trust nowadays are really getting lesser and lesser, maybe I don't have the trust left to hand it to people. I'm so tired of getting disappointed that's why I no longer pin my hopes higher because sooner or later, they will leave...

Because in the end, I'm left with myself or I would have already lost myself somewhere in life.

Labels: Thoughts

Words can be your best friend, or your worst nightmare.
Words can bring you out of the deepest pit of despair, or stab you in the back.
Words can bring a world of comfort, or torture you to death.
Words can be said, and they can change the world or they can be meaningless, nothing more than babble.
Words are the one thing in the world that can never be taken back.
And they can also be the thing that hurts the most, worse than a arrow through the chest, worse than any burn
And sometimes, words are the only thing you have left...

Labels: Thoughts

Labels: Thoughts

Comes to the point of time whereby I'm really too tired beyond words could actually describe how I really feel now.

Despite having people around me, I still feel alone. I often feel like an alien in this world because I feel so alone especially during the night; so peaceful yet haunting as well. It's like when I don't wanna talk, people come asking me what happened, care or curious? And I really hate those times when I desperately need to talk to someone, but no one's there.

And what's the point in sharing to my family/close friends, they can't help much and I'm just adding on to their problems plus I really don't wanna feel like a burden...


The amount of stress and burdens on my shoulders are really draining me out, everyone tells me things will get better but why does it deteriorates day by day? I really hate my life now; I don't know where I'm going w it and I'm just taking it day by day. This isn't the life I wanted... often feeling like a let-down.

My life, I will live it myself. Am really tired of those disappointments I get, sick of going all out and never once get appreciated. Talks are cheap and so does empty promises, lol. Horrible and ungrateful people are such turn-offs.

害怕失去，所以不敢拥有；
害怕欺骗，所以不敢相信；
害怕被看穿，所以一直伪装；
想要坚强，所以一直逞强；不想放弃，所以一直坚持；
不想流泪，所以一直装笑;
不想被丢下，所以宁愿独自一人；不想被过去束缚，所以选择遗忘过去；
不想说再见，所以宁愿不要遇见。

I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm not okay!

But I will be and have to be okay... soon! ;)

Labels: Thoughts

Exported most of the previous posts, 260 in total to my old private blog which consist of all my little life details from 2009 and did slight changes to the blogskin because I'm too lazy to find a new one and edit them especially when I suck at coding. Only kept a few post in this blog.

I wanna restart my life anew, not stuck at those old memories where most of the people are already not with me anymore.

Well, people come and go. But it sucks when I remember how good the past was and how things are different today. When I look at them, I can't help but think of how important they used to be to me. Now, they're just a memory. The only thing I could say is 'The best thing about the worst part of your life is that you get to see the true colors of everyone you cared for'.


Some are just not meant to be in my life while some just wanna leave me, I'm fine with anything as long as they don't come in and go out of my life as if it's a door. Am just thankful to have the handful of true ones who are close and there when times are getting blue, trying their best to keep in contact with me despite having new friends. ♥ I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friend(s) that I can be certain of.

Seen through too much people and been through too much bullshits. Sick of being questioned and accused. Tired of everything, every single small thing. I'm utterly tired of life. I don't put my faith or trust in anyone anymore. After so much, I got tired of being disappointed constantly. I don't depend on people anymore because I'm tired of being disappointed.

2012 isn't a good year, too much shits but I'm not gonna dwell on those shits and fake ass anymore. Too numb to all bullshits and too tired to give a fuck. Well, gone is gone. Even if we get back as friends, it won't be the same anymore. Most of the time, what I can't forget is the memories instead of the person.

I’m slowly learning to let go of the things that hurts. And most importantly, I’ve grow up and accepted reality. Cause nothing last forever. Whatever that has happened would have become the memories and histories of my life, I'm just gonna work hard to my goals and hopefully, don't go emo as often? ;)

I'm not gonna beg anyone to stay. Stay as you want and leave as you wish. Pick your stand, don't come back as you wish after you leave. I'm not a 2nd choice neither a backup plan.

Feel much happier now! ^-^ More love, less hate, forget the past and look forward to everyday! Fashion Hooks *加油!* Cynthia Luvs *加油!* Hahaha! OMG! *Self high*

Oh btw, I've separated my personal blog and Fashion Hooks blog in case you all too lazy to read my own personal life and only interested in Fashion Hooks' updates! Here you go, http://fashionhooks.blogspot.com! (Will be up soon after fixing the blogskin)

Blog again soon! (#♥.♥#)

Labels: Thoughts

What a good way to start off a new month by having only 6 hours of sleep despite being sleep deprived for 2 days and I can't get to sleep now.

Having nothing to do, no one to talk to, being so aimless, sick of living like this because all the thoughts starts gushing out of my mind whenever I'm alone. I hate over-analyzing things but what to do and how to react when everything that happens are just facts. Reality sucks, everyone and everything is so cruel. How much you give does not equals to how much you gonna receives back.

The feeling of being backup plan, spare tyre and someone whom everyone start to look for when they need help. The feeling of only existing when I'm needed. The feeling of going all out for people everytime and yet never seeing them there when you ever need someone. Sucks but this is how I feel every single day.

I go through my days, pretending nothing is wrong. Protecting my family and friends from what I feel. Everytime they ask how I am, I always reply "Fine." I never am fine, never good, or well. I wear a mask of happiness and joy, so that they won't suspect the depth or severity of my pain.


Nobody could hear my cries at night
For I designed my mask to hide the lies.
Nobody could see the pain I was feeling
For I designed my mask to be laughing.

I’m a daughter hiding my depression
I’m a sister making a good impression
I’m your friend acting like I’m fine
I’m a teenager pushing her tears aside
I’m the girl sitting next to you
I’m the one asking you to care
I’m your best friend hoping that you'll be there

Sometimes things get weird;
The less you know, the less you hurt.
Sometimes people you trust may deceive you;
Say stuff that truly affects you, your heart hallow and empty.
Sometimes without any signs,
things mess up, leaving you bare.

I tend to get caught up pretty easily, leading to disappointments.
People tell me to trust but every time I do: I regret.
People talk.
People stare.
People gossip.

All I want is a new start in life...
Move to another continent,
Forget everyone here,
New beginning,
I'm tired of feeling so alone even though I'm surrounded...


别人不开心了，想尽一切办法逗别人开心。
自己都没有多少的东西，也恨不得一股脑的都分给别人。
可是我也是有心有感觉的，也会疲惫也会抱怨，可是别人只会埋怨我变了，开始瞎想开始胡闹。

原來我只是突然累了
原來我不說了
原來我撐著撐到麻了

How much would I miss, if I decide to go
And how much hurt makes me lean towards the edge
Is slowly creeping up the hedge
How much longer can I last?
Before my life becomes one of the past.

Labels: Thoughts

I don't speak from pain
I don't scream in vain
I don't want to reveal the hurt I gained

I bottle it up
Let the little bottle fill

My tears are endless
My tears are actually useless

How much I cry for help from others
Holding onto that one little string of life
No one bothers

How am I suppose to even die
These two worlds kept making me cry

I'm scared to die
I'm scared to live

I'm lost in this world
But who would believe?



I'm tired of fighting, I want to be fought for.
I'm tired of caring, I want to be cared for.
I'm tired of being what you want me to be, I just want to be myself.

I'm tired of being taken for granted.
I'm tired of people telling me what I can, and can't do.
I'm tired of being questioned and accused
I'm tired of being judged for everything I do.

I'm tired of being last to everyone I care about.
I'm tired of being ignored and forgotten by "Friends".
I'm tired of losing friends, the friends I have now I'm going to try my hardest to keep.

I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout.
I'm tired of being tired and I'm tired of being sad.
I'm tired of everything, every single small thing. I'm utterly tired of life.

Sometimes, I'm just tired of being alone.

I don't put my faith or trust in anyone anymore.
After so much, I got tired of being disappointed constantly.
I don't depend on people anymore because I'm tired of being disappointed.

Labels: Thoughts

I hate how hello is always accompanied with goodbye.
I hate how good memories can start to make you cry.
I hate how forever never seems to really last.
I hate how much I'd lose if I forgot about my past.
I hate how friends can just leave you when you're down.
I hate how when you need someone, they're never around.
I hate how people change and think they're so much better.
I hate how people can forgive even though they can't forget.
I hate how ironic life turns out to be.

I'm tired of being sad.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of feeling empty inside.
I'm tired of feeling worthless.
I'm tired of feeling stuck.
I'm tired of feeling crazy.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of yelling.
I'm tired of pretending.
I'm tired of dreaming of a life I will never have.
I'm tired of missing things.
I'm tired of missing people.
I'm tired of remembering.
I'm tired of wishing I could start all over.
I'm tired of not being able to just let go.
I'm tired of faking it.
I'm tired of being different.
I'm tired of being angry.
I'm tired of needing help.
I'm tired of always wondering when God is finally going to let me be happy.
Most of all, I'm just I'm tired of being tired.

I'm never going to show you how broken I am inside.
I am never going to show you how I need you in my life.

You'll never hear me say that I miss you or find out that you're the reason that I cry.
You'll never catch me.. because you'll never see me fall.

I'm just going to keep everything inside and smile through all the pain.. and even though I'm breaking down I'll always manage to stay sane.
I'll never show you what you want to see.
I'm never going to let you see through me."

Labels: Thoughts

Today's topic: Being Strong, in terms of mentally not physically.

Am actually quite shocked that I actually survived till now, no joke. Been through many ups and downs until I'm really afraid to be happy because I know when I'm happy, something bad will actually happen. Went through many hardship before becoming me, it's really not easy in being 'me'.

Having to see
How a complete and happy family breaking up into pieces
How it feels to be looked down upon by own family members and relatives
How my dad got my mom into deep shits
How my mom blames me for that
How to endure bullshits while I need to help out on lessening mom's burden
How to think of so much ideas to raise money on my own
How to stand classmates and friends calling me names
How to stand those good friends turning over and backstab you when there were once your world
How people just simply judge you from what they see
How they criticize you on looks, weights or education
How someone so dear to me, left.


No one can ever understand what kind of life I was going through these 17 years. No one really actually bothers on how I feel or even try to put them in my shoes for a day.

I make jokes about everything because if I'm laughing, no one will know I'm dying inside. I'm always facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile.. I really don't know if I'm getting better or just getting use to the pain. Life doesn't hurt until you think about how much things have changed, who you've lost along the way, and how much of it was your fault. Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am...isn't me.

It sucks to be alone. I know how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you, waiting for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart. Most of the time I feel so awkward, you know, like I don't belong in my own skin, I get frustrated at everything, I could just scream and there's no reason for it, I just hate myself.

People always say, things will get better. Well, I'm still waiting for that to happen.. I believe one day, no one and nothing can hurt me anymore, that's when I stop breathing and my heart stop beating. I did think of suicide twice because I'm really very sick and tired of everything.


I thought again, what if I'm really gone? Who can help my mom to clear her debts, is she gonna slog and die of fatigue? What if she needs someone to talk to? Who can help her out with housework? Isn't she 2 times more sick and tired than me? Having to see so much heartbreaking stuffs yet she have to stay strong and bring us up.

Then I realized that I do not even have the rights to die until I returned her everything she gave me. Her efforts to work and earn money, to raise me up, to give me proper education. Also, no one would actually be sad when I died except for my mom. All those people who hate/dislike me would be happy. And I know that being strong is the only option I have.

Well, I improved on myself. Mom doesn't hate or blames me now and I'm living well now. So if you ever got into a bad situation, remember there's people in the world whom are in a much worse situations yet they are finding their way to survive so be strong ! :)

Labels: Thoughts